Psychology: 3 Lessons I've Learned from Lost Friendships

Sometimes things no longer fit between two people, like pants that suddenly become tight, even though they used to feel like a second skin. You feel that conversations with your friend are constantly disrupted or that you simply no longer understand her or her life. Or for one person, friendship is still important, but for another the priorities have changed. Whatever is behind it, the realization remains: friendships end too. This is annoying for many of us, as we often have an image in our minds – especially when we are young – that love affairs may pass, but friends are forever.

I have witnessed first-hand that reality is often different. I am very fortunate to have many wonderful friends, some for over 30 years, some more recently. I've had to let others through my life, and in some situations it was my conscious decision, in others it was my peer's decision – and sometimes it just happened that way.

Some of these moments were extremely painful, and some still are today, many years later. Other developments appeared very normal and occurred without major casualties. But no matter who made the decision in the end or how bad the loss was: I was able to learn something from all of these situations.

What I learned from my lost friendships

1. I don't have to be friends with someone I don't like (anymore).

You're reading this sentence and probably thinking: Huh, of course I'm not friends with people I find stupid. But it's not that simple. Especially with very old friendships, people who have been in our lives for a long time and with whom we share a lot, it often does not occur to us to ask ourselves whether we are and are still compatible with this person today.

We humans are constantly evolving. Sometimes these changes happen with these old friends, sometimes we get pulled in different directions – and every now and then we can find each other again after losing each other. But if not, it's completely legitimate and even important to admit when we're not compatible with that person anymore. Even if we don't find them as lovable today.

Because no matter how much fun we used to have together, and how much common history we share, if we can't do anything with the person who is our girlfriend or boyfriend today, it's okay to let them go. There is no obligation to spend time with someone just because we went to school together for 13 years or have other important experiences in common.

It took a long time for me to give myself permission to not have to be friends with people I didn't get along with anymore. But this permission is very important. Because we can find the company of people we don't feel we understand to be lonelier than being alone.

2. The sadness of friendship can be as painful as the nausea of ​​love

Losing friends can be at least as bad as breaking up a relationship. The pain can be long-lasting. We often underestimate the fact that we also have feelings for a good friend, even if they seem different from romantic feelings for our partner. But when these friendly feelings are hurt or the person suddenly disappears from our lives, it can be just as painful as classic heartbreak.

I'm still grappling with the end of my friendship from a few years ago, which, to be completely honest with myself, was slowly announced long before in my boyfriend's behavior. It still hurts and I still miss her sometimes, simply because we've known each other for so long, we were so close and shared so much.

At first, it wasn't easy for me to let go of that pain and accept that the end of this friendship affected me more than I thought it would. But as is often the case, just consciously accepting the sadness helped reduce the dark cloud in the emotional sky.

3. I am extremely grateful for the good friendships in my life

When a friendship breaks down, it can be a good reminder to be grateful for the people who are truly helpful to us. It doesn't matter whether they have been a part of our lives for decades or only since last summer. Our lost friendships can change the way we view the people close to us today. The injuries and differences caused by ended friendships highlight the positive aspects of our current relationships.

So I'm always grateful for my best friend, who I've known for almost my whole life. For the fact that we have always found common ground, even if our lives were very different at some points. For the fact that we are not just friends because we have known each other for a long time, but because we have consciously chosen our friendship over and over again and evolved together. Not always parallel, but so close to each other that we found each other again. Realizing that I haven't been able to do exactly that with others makes me especially value this friendship.

Bridget